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Rick voicey eastbay4/3/2023 My mom named me Good Wednesday out of spite. But go with sensation instead of just naming this ritual that doesn't have a lot of meaning for us yet. And I think as far as cozy mysteries go, you want to get us interested in the empirical experience as quickly as possible so you're on the right track. What's the book? Murder Go Lightly, a cozy mystery by Sherry Wilson McEwen So, while I'm I guess interested in who Blake is interested in swapping blood with, I think that you could bring us into this moment with the sensation of flesh being cut, or bring us into the ritual of this without naming it as sort of baldly as this does. If you're going to start with dialogue it should be really pithy and maybe even a play on a well-known turn of phrase. I often discourage people from starting their books with dialogue and part of the reason is that we don't really know who Blake is or who he's speaking to, and rather than making me wonder about the answers to those questions, I feel a little bit distanced from the manuscript. "Let’s be blood brothers,” Blake pleaded. So, to that I would say this doesn't really bring me into a conflict, it doesn't really give me a strong sense of voice, and frankly, it gives me too much sensory information. If you want to start with the description of land, you want to think about bringing us into the world instead of just showing us what the visual field experience is. I don't know how many times you've looked out at a landscape and just smiled and considered how bewitching it is, but it's certainly never happened to me. So, this first clause about a small smile is completely irrelevant. What I would tell Sara is that you want to consider some of the other senses that you can help us experience in your landscape. This sentence, which is really two sentences, you're not fooling anybody with that semicolon, is really heavy on visual cues. A small smile twists my lips as I look out at the bewitching landscape the land cracked and red, clear of the smoke from the blazing plane behind me, is overlooked by distant black hills, accented by the blue and gold streaked sky.
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